The Alleged Virtue

I have made so many new friends since the last time we went through this, that I probably should explain a little bit about what happened in 2012. And I think that some other people who have known us a while might be a little curious, too. So here's your background story.

Brandon and I have been married since January 2, 2010. We lived in an apartment for almost two years, and bought a house on December 23, 2011. We moved in on Christmas Eve. When we first got married, we had talked about giving ourselves six months of married life before becoming parents. And then a year. And then we were still poor, so we said "we'll wait until we have a house." And we got a house. So *I* said "ok, it's time." And Brandon offered a grunt of approval. 

When I say that I made the decision to proceed with adoption, I don't mean that Brandon was against it. Not at all. But he was a little indifferent. And it wasn't something that we really sought God's will about, either. It was like "this is what we want, this is the timetable and schedule that we think is right for us, so we are going to run with it." And on top of that, I don't think that we tried to go where we were supposed to go, either. We decided to go with Ethiopia, not because we loved Ethiopia or felt called to go there, but because it seemed like the fastest, easiest way to get what we wanted. Which sounds terrible, so I'll present it a little bit differently. Many countries have age and income requirements for potentially adoptive parents. Brandon and I had been married less than five years- a requirement for some countries. We were about to turn 24 and 25- some countries have age requirements of at least 27 or 30. And we were going into it with no savings set aside for this endeavor, and international adoption costs money (there's another future blog post.) We also have several friends who have adopted from Ethiopia, and the process seemed so easy and relatively fast, compared to some other countries. That's what we decided. 

I set up an Etsy shop and started making crafts to fund our international adoption. I put that phrase on everything. I tried selling some stuff on ebay- "for our international adoption!" And I did sell a few things on Etsy, but ran into some snags. For one, Etsy is a competitive marketplace run by greedy people who claim to have principles, but conveniently forget about those when they realize that they are making big money off of listing fees and commissions. The thing about Etsy is that everything has to be handmade or vintage. So people sell handmade and vintage stuff. But then other people come along with premade stuff from China (not a stereotype- most of the stuff on there comes from this one website that is actually based in China), selling it for dirt cheap. Half the time they didn't even bother taking a photo, and posted the stock photo from the Chinese website. Etsy allows those sellers to keep selling because they get $0.20 for each item listed to sell, plus a percentage of the sales, plus ad revenue. And some customers didn't catch on to the fact that they were buying something not handmade, or they didn't really care about the rules and just wanted something fun for less. That's where most of Etsy's purchases are going. No one ever really questioned my prices, because they were really fair, but almost all of my customers were people who knew me, because people who didn't were just shopping for random stuff and they're obviously going to go for the biggest bargain. I think I had three customers who were total strangers. And on top of that, after all the fees, shipping, supplies, and what have you, over about 9 months I raised about $200. Not even enough to cover the application fee. 

Around the same time, I started having more problems with my health and had more doctor's appointments to go to. We kept putting off filing the first round of paperwork because we didn't have enough money to cover it, and since things were going so terribly financially, I started to get really worried that even if we scraped together the small first payment, what would happen when the next one was due? It was much bigger. Paperwork is expensive. What if we couldn't raise the money? 

And then things changed. We found out that because there were so, so many children being adopted out of Ethiopia, the government there tightened the restrictions for adoptive parents. I heard that some of the changes applied to parents who had a history of anxiety and depression. I don't blame other countries for setting rules like this, really. I believe that most countries set the rules to make sure that their children are placed in the best, most capable hands possible. And one area that Ethiopia really cracked down on was this one. I'm not mentally unstable and have never been a danger to myself or others because of my issues, but because those diagnoses are in my medical history and any files from my doctors would show that these words apply to me and I've had medication for them, Ethiopia doesn't want me to take care of any of their children. I talked to three separate agencies about this, seeking their advice. And they said that they were really sorry to say it, but they wouldn't bother filing the application and first round of paperwork because an adoption from that country would not happen for me, and those initial fees are non-refundable. Pray about it and pick another country and save our money for that one, they said. 

Since this was happening toward the end of the year, and I was so frustrated about my personal situation and our finances and the lack of enthusiasm for our fundraising, I didn't crash and burn upon getting this bad news. I was already so discouraged that it didn't knock me down that far. And looking back, I can recognize that it is a good thing we didn't proceed at that point. I can say that we probably would have really struggled with the financial aspects and that may have kept us from bringing a child home. I can say that Brandon and I were not ready to be parents at that point, and our relationship wasn't as strong then as it is now. And I can also say that I am not meant to be a mom of an Ethiopian child. Of that I am about 99.9% sure. I'm happy to have sponsor kids there now, and I'm happy to support friends who are adopting from there, but that's not what's supposed to happen for my family. If we had tried to make that happen, I think it would have been like trying to force a square peg in a round hole. It wouldn't have been a good fit. 

Now, almost three years later, we wait. We are much, much closer now to being parents, but there is a cloud of ambiguity about the timing of it all that makes it feel pretty far away some days. I'd rather wait for God's timing and the child that is meant to be mine than to force it to happen on my own terms and wind up in a less than ideal situation, though. I'm not saying that by waiting, we'll get a perfectly healthy child from our first choice country and all this other stuff. But I feel that there are certain things that I'm equipped to deal with, and some things I'm not, and if I don't wait, it might not work out so well. For everyone. It's not just a luck of the draw kind of thing. It's family- it's permanence. And I want to seek and KNOW God's will, and be right where he wants me to be. 

And right now, that's waiting. I realize that this post is getting a little long at this point now, but I do want to share this last bit. I know at least a few people who are wondering "what we're waiting for." And there are some people who say "well if you're waiting until you feel like you can afford a child, you'll be waiting forever." I think that's a little bit true, but there's a big difference in the financial preparations for adopting versus having a biological child. Brandon and I have some specific financial goals that we need to meet in order to feel prepared to move forward with an adoption, and make the financial commitment to do so. I wrote them down in my planner a little while back, when we talked about them and came up with them. 

1. Pay off the medical credit card 
2. Pay off my smallest three student loans
3. Pay off my loan from my Tanzania trip last year
4. Be in a position to have a car payment each month (both our cars are really old, and my car is a two-door with a backseat so small that I don't think it would fit a carseat.) 

Those are the big things. And as of last week, the first one is crossed off the list! Yay! That was really exciting. It's never been a huge bill, but every time it shrinks, something else comes up and it grows back to its original size. This is the first time since we've had it (a few years) that the balance has actually been at $0. This is what we are waiting for. Or working toward. And while we work toward these goals, we are reading and learning and praying and thinking about some other specifics (more on that in another post!) Planning ahead like that helps keep me occupied. Brandon is more focused on the here and now, but I have always felt a need to plan ahead- like how I had picked out what restaurants we'd visit on our honeymoon a year before our wedding. :) 

So here's my prayer request for you for this post. Pray for financial provision and wise decision making. Brandon works so hard to provide for our family, and I do what I can (I've started bidding on Sunday hours at the library to earn some extra income, and am still looking for a second job, to help knock out that debt faster.) But the debt is just sooooo much. It's a lot smaller than it was, but it's just been hanging around for a long time, and it's frustrating to have to commit so much of my income to paying off student loans for a degree that I never got! Argh. But wise decision making is a big thing, too, because sometimes when we DO have extra money, I don't know that we always use it the best we could. A lot of that falls on me. For so long we haven't had money for basic stuff like clothes and food. It's not an exaggeration. So when that extra money is there, I'm so happy to be able to buy groceries that I get too many. Little stuff like that adds up, and I want to be better at it. 

I think the next post will be about where we think we are going, or where we'd like to go, to start our family- so stay tuned! :)